me against the world, if i don't lose myself first
by deecullen 2289
Summary: Bella has everything she can ask for.But once her parents pass away things come crashing down. It's been five years,will bella break out from this rut that she's in,or will people start lossing hope that she will be herself again.
1. what my life has become

**Okay everyone here it is, my first twilight fanfition. Hope you guys enjoy thid first chapter. The chapter's will become a bit longer when i have an idea where i want the story to go. There will be some angst since it's hoing to be hurt and comfort...untill edward arrives, then it be a bit more romance and other things...;) i don't own any of these characters or twilight. It all belongs to the amazing Stephenie Meyer :)**

**CHAPTER ONE**

"Racing is in are blood, never forget that Bella".

"I won't daddy, I promise you".

"Charlie, let the girl be! She just wants to play in the stables".

"No Renee she needs to know this, it's for her own good!"

"Fine, but you're making her grow up too fast! She's only ten!"

"Like I said, it's for own well, besides my dad told me the same thing at her age and I turned out fine".

"Yeah if you think turning into an old bitter man is fine" my mom teases him.

"A bitter old man that you love" My dad gives her a sly smirk, and picks her up

"That's true, a bitter old man that I love always and forever. Now put me down!" He puts her down and gives her a kiss.

Renee bends down to my level and holds and hands. "I love you sweetheart, never forget that". I nod my head and give her a kiss on the check.

"I know mommy, I love you too but daddy has a point "My dad gives out a good belly laugh and turns to my mom. "She's a Swan alright, I said same thing to my mom"

My mom shakes her head and gives out a long sigh "I'm never going to win with you two"

"No, but we love you for trying" he gives her a wink and I give her a big smile.

"Okay, well I'm off to see my mom. I'll be back to before dinner" she stands up and walks away.

"Wait honey, I'll walk you to the car" my dad always the gentleman, grabs her hand and turns to me.

"Now go play and be careful around the horses. If you want to ride one, let Felix know so he can help you".

"Ok daddy, I love you".

"I love you too baby girl, always and forever". He gives me a wink and mom blows me a kiss.

I see them walk away, they turn back one more time saying, "Always and forever Bella" and then they disappear into the fog.

Mommy, daddy wait" I start to run towards they fog, but I can't find them.

"Please don't leave me!" I start to cry but they never return.

I wake up covered in sweat, my body is twisted in the sheets. I always have the same dream when it's my parent's anniversary of when they died. I sit up and look towards my window and see grey skies. "Gloomy weather for a depressing day" I say to myself.

There's a knock on my door. "Bella are you up?" It's Alice; she knows what today is and wants to make sure that I'm up or alive.

"Yeah Alice I'm up, you can come in". She opens the door and peeks her head through the opening.

"Hey how are you?" she walks towards my bed and sits down. She's quite and starts to look all over the room. I have clothes on the floor and books lying around. I have not brother to clean my room for a while now; don't have the energy for it. Alice finally stops her evaluation of my room and fixes her gaze to me, looks me up and down and frowns a little bit.

"Stop Alice"

"Stop what?" She's looking down, playing with the hem of her shirt.

"Giving me the look, please don't be like the others and give me the; be careful what you say to Bella today look I hate it!"

Her heads snaps up, "I am not giving you that look; I'm just worried about you…" her eyes are hold back tears, she about to cry. "I hate seeing you like this Bella, you're like a zombie; your body is here but you mind is somewhere else and it needs to stop!" I look at her as if she's grown two heads. She will never understand what I go during this time.

"It has to stop?" I ask her with my voice rising at the end.

"Yes! It's going to be five years since your parents passed away. It's time to get out of this house and go back the way you were and live your life. You need to get on the horse, both mentally and physically" She throws her hands up in the air, likes she's given up on me. She try's hold in some kind of emotion, I don't know what it is. She either wants to cry laugh or be angry at the same time. I don't blame her, I have been acting like a zombie for the past couple of years and these past few months have been the worst, for the both of us.

You see when my parents past way five years ago, Alice's parents, Esme and Carlisle took over. They wanted a fresh start, so they moved here to Wyoming. They were also old friends of my parents and wanted to help me out. They liked it at first, getting into the horse racing life and wining almost every race. I was the jockey for my parent's ranch, the best that there was. But when my parents died, it wasn't the same. I still ride, and won races but not see my parents at the stands cheering me on or seeing them in the winner's circle is what hurt me the most. After my last race which was two years ago, I stopped racing for good, told the Cullen's to find a new jockey because I was done. They understood and did what I told them, since I was still part owner of the ranch.

They found one of the best jockeys in this state. He's name was James Scott, and as a cocky asshole who likes to use people to get what he wanted. He was good, even a bit better than me and he never forgot to mention it. His ego has reached the limit with the Cullen's; he asked for more money since he was they only one riding for us and winning all the races. They Cullen's had enough of him thinking he was better than us and they fired him, of course he didn't leave without telling us, "You will never find a better jockey then me!" slammed the door and was never seen again.

After that, things were getting bad to worst. We couldn't find a jockey that wanted to ride for us, are stable hands started to quit one by one, we convinced some staying with us; Carlisle promised to raise their weekly check. It's has been hard for Carlisle and Esme; they don't have much money left from the loan they got from the bank and they need to pay for the horse feed and fixing some things around the house and stable.

A week ago, I overheard Esme and Carlisle taking in the kitchen about selling some horses. I came through the kitchen door and started yelling at them. I don't remember what I said; all I remember was Alice pulling me out of the kitchen, up the stairs and to my room. I became angrier and kick her out. This is the first time I seen Alice seen that day.

"So what are you going to do Bella? Are you going to leave this room and start living life again?

I looked at Alice, blink once, lay back on my bed and turn to face the wall.

Alice gives out a tiring sigh, "I guess that's a no…" she stands up and starts walking towards the door, but not before saying "I'm tired fighting you Bella, you need to figure this out sooner or later' and with that she opens the door and slammed it closed.

I jump from sound and hear the echo of it, I turn towards the door and stare at it for a while. I feel the air leaven my lungs, I try to take a deep breath but all that comes out is a sob. I cry until it turns dark outside. Alice and her family were the only ones that still had hope for me, now I think that hope is gone.

**So what do you guys think? hope it was good and not that many mistakes. I need a beta to help me out spelling and everyting else. So please help me out people...pretty please with sugar on top :) **

**p.s. I wil try to update twice a week, then maybe once a week, depending how it goes.**

**until next time**

**deecullen**


	2. to start a new me

**So what do you guys think so far? Hope you guys are liked the first chapter. I decided to update every thursday and try to add two chapters to each update. So here we go, enjoy and review pretty please? :)**

**CHAPTER 2**

I wake up felling more tried then I was before I went to sleep. I slowly sit up and I feel dizzy, I lay back down and close my eyes. I hear someone knocking on my door; I open one eye and look at my clock. Its 2 pm, I slept almost the whole day, no wonder they making sure I'm ok. "Come in", I tell the person who's at the door. I try to sit up and this time I didn't feel dizzy, so that's a good thing.

"Hello dear, are you feeling ok?" its esme walking into my room. At first I thought it was Alice, did she really give up on me? I try not to show esme that I'm upset. She comes and sits on my bead and feels my forehead.

"I'm fine esme just over slept, I was just waking up"

"Good, I was worried that you weren't feeling well, so was Alice, she wanted to come check up on you before work but I told that I would". So that's where Alice was, I thought that she didn't care anymore.

"I didn't know that Alice started working"

"She wants to help Carlisle and I out for a while, so she got a job at the clothing store in town"

"Are things that bad that Alice needs to get a job?" I start to worry that we might actually lose the ranch.

"Well we didn't want you worry too much sweetie but things aren't looking so good" Esme gives me a small smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

"Esme I…I didn't know things were that bad, I'm so sorry" It's becoming really hard to hold back my tears.

"Oh sweet, this isn't your fought" she pulls me to her and gives me a hug. "The ranch hands are asking for raise and the feed for the horses has gone up". I start crying a bit, if I just get over this rut that I'm in, they wouldn't be in this mess. I shove my head into esme chest. Esme holds me tighter and starts rocking me back and forth while smoothing down my hair. I calm down a bit and rest me head against her shoulder "Everything going to be ok Bella, you'll see. But first we need to make sure that you're ok and help you through this. We all love you and want are Bella back" this time her smile reaches her eyes. I see hope and love in them, they give me hope that I will get through this.

"I promise Esme that I am trying my hardest, maybe I should go see Jessica again".

Esme gives me a wide simile," I think that's a good idea honey, it could help you out"

"I think so too"

After Esme left my room, I got up and took a shower. The warm water felt good on my aching body and my ginner body wash help me relax even more, I was in there for a while until the water turned cold. I get out and look at myself in the mirror, I have black circles under my eye and I look a little bit skinny. "No wonder everyone is worried about me" I grab my towel and go to room for some clothes and decided to go down stairs.

When I get down stairs I heard Esme, Carlisle, and Alice in the kitchen. I walk in their eyes become wide when they see me, not the expressions I expected from them, but what can I do about it. I look at them and give them the "what" look. They don't say anything back, just the same wide eye expression, so I decided to talk.

"Why is everyone looking at me like that" I give them each a stare down, see who breaks down and talks first.

Esme is the first on to talk. "Sorry honey, we don't mean to, it's just….just….

"Weird seeing you up and about" Carlisle finishes for Esme.

I take in what they just told me and let out loud sigh. "Well get use to it because this is the new me, I decided to stop being a zombie and start living my life"

Esme walks up to me and gives me a hug. "Well that's good honey, I proud of you, we all are" she let's go and gives me a warm smile.

"Moms right, it's good that you decided to change, we miss you and I miss my sister" Alice is standing by the kitchen door frame with her arms crossed over her waist, holding herself together. She's trying not to cry, just like me, we know that we are not blood related but we have been through a lot together and been there for each other. I walk towards her and pull her to hug, we both start to cry.

"Please don't turn into what you were every again, I hated it and it wasn't you" Alice tells me between sniffles, I hug her tighter and tell her that I won't.

"Well I think we should celebrate and have Bella's favorite, chicken masala!" Carlisle claps his hands together and looks at me. "Welcome back sweets, glad to have our girl back" he gives me a smile just like Esme.

While I look on at my adopted family being happy and hopeful, I feel energized. Like there's a breath of fresh air around me and I take a deep breath in. I will not let them down, this is the start of a new me.


End file.
